explode

I havent been this anxious, or just willy nilly in a long long time.  Seems all I want to do is sit and cry....no specific reason, actually a bunch of them just tossed in a hat and whatever tumbles out well then that might or might not be the reason I get upset.
Currently my chest feels like it is about to cave in and at times I feel like I have to remind myself to breath.
The air is out. Has been for 4 days now. In the south that is like 4 weeks.  The Fibro flare that I am smack in the middle of threatens to bring me to my knees. I really do try not to complain and usually I do a great job of it. But right now, I just want to cry.
I cant sleep, not because of the heat but because of my stupid body......for someone who loves themself there are days I really hate me.
And then their are the dreams......dreams of everyone around me leaving of losing everything and everyone. My best friend is having the best time ever and I am so happy for her I really am but when I try to talk to her all I want to do is cry because last two nights the dreams are about her. Cant tell her this......I WANT her to have fun, I WANT her to be happy.  Im pretty sure she knows this but again I cant tell her because if I go down that path I will cry and then she will want to know why and its much better here, I can just type it out and cry and blow my nose and cry and not have to worry about hurting anyone. 
pretty sure no one reads this crap. Its just for me really, thus the title. and right now i feel like if i dont get it out i might just explode. and explosion of tears.....how stupid would that be. but thats me......

bottomless pit.....black and cold and useless.....

havent felt this way in a long long time...maybe tomorrow will be better

I suvived.....

First week has been up and down. Physically I am healing, "on the mend" so to speak. Emotionally I have taken a downward turn. I am gray again. I dont want to leave the house, but I did sit in the yard for a bit today. I hope this will pass. I dont know if it is the actual surgery setting in or what..at this moment I dont "feel" anything. no pain, which is good i know....but also no anger, happiness, not even hunger.....just nothing. I want to sleep. I think I may do that. Josh's dad had surgery the day after mine and it is like pulling teeth to get information on him. They do not call to keep him informed at all. He has to call and when they return the call or answer then we here something. The whole thing makes me sad....maybe I do feel something. Sad. yes. Sad. but I survived............

My World

My world has been flipped upside down and I don't even know how to tell those around me. I can hardly tell Josh how I feel. I mean I can say "hey keep me in your prayers ok" but to tell the truth I am terrified. Some history....Back in January I had a procedure that was supposed to stop bleeding and if successful end my monthly cycle...flash forward to July and I am fairly sure that we were not successful. By the end of August I had to call the Dr. and go back in. I thought I was prepared for the words that she was going to say. I knew them. I KNEW what was coming. But the words hit me like a knife through my heart. A hysterectomy...Now mind you, I KNOW I had a tubal, I KNOW given my medical history it is the best and only choice, but damn. I feel broken, and I am not even on the table yet. Thankfully my mom is coming and Josh is better now than in January(at times) but this is taking a huge toll on him. Between this and his dad and everything its just so much for him to slide into place. He is overwhelmed, I can understand that. Hell when he tells me....I want to scream at him and tell him if he thinks he is overwhelmed to have a walk in my shoes this week. A week, that is how long I have to prepare for this. The first few days were spent hoping that the medicine they put me on would stop the flooding and perhaps give me a better change of not needing another transfusion come game day. This took nearly 3 days.....I think my body and I have finally come to an understanding and it is playing nice again, for the time being. I thought that last time was akward with the having to buy depends and super huge bedding pads and what not.....last time, I looked sick. I caught it early this time. Blood count was not great but I had not turned deathly white either so I count that as a plus. I do not LOOK sick, I look tired, which I am. I am tired of pain and sleeplessness and none stop bleeding that makes me have to resort to leaving my home in an adult diaper with hopes that no one will notice. I cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously my hat fell down, I sobbed for an hour.....ok maybe not but still. My world went from "hey things are looking up" to "BAM get your ass back down there, kicked in the face and thrown back down an emotional barrel that I now haqve to climb out of again. I find myself not wanting to talk to those around me, so I call them and make myself talk. because I know if I dont well, I remember a year ago all to well......hell I remember the last 12 years and I wish I didnt. Not that I want to forget Josh or the kids or the people I have met. I wish I could forget how low I had gotten. How dark my world was...I am terrified of Tuesday. So many what ifs, so many should have dones...If I havent told you lately, or enough. I love you. ♥♥

im sorry

i used to make you smile
now i make you sad
im sorry
i used to make you laugh
now i make you angry
im sorry
i wish i knew how to go back to that
im to late
i didnt come back in time
and all i can say is im sorry

Ok so the last post was really emotional and full of anger.....not that anyone could tell lol. I dont REALLY hate anyone. but I was very mad and hurt and I wanted to scream all of those things at him but I knew it would only compound the issue which is that he is back sliding and has stopped doing anything. no blogging no book work no nothing. and he is slipping into this pit again. and the more he slips the more he drags me with him. so I am making it my goal to not sleep past 9 this week and to be active even if it is just a stroll outside. something...... anyway yesterday and today have been better. things are calmer, no more yelling just talking and i love you's ♥♥♥

enough

i hate you
i wont fight for you anymore
you can walk alone
i wont hold your hand
i wont be your sounding board
i will not care if you fail
i wont let myself follow you on a path of distruction
i hate you
i will not try anymore
i will not let you destroy them because you dont care about anything or anyone
I will not be by your side
you are tired of me
you dont want me
you dont care about me
i tried







you dont care that i struggle too......you dont care that it is hard on me and the kids, its all about you and your pain and your lack of anything. when do we get to matter again.

Not the best of days lately

I find it harder and harder to be happy and not angry, especially the later in the day it gets. The nights are the worst I am so angry, I dont know why. But I am. I just want to melt into the things around me and disappear. The least little thing sets me off....I dont know what it is. I will muddle through it, and just get on with things. meh