Ok so the last post was really emotional and full of anger.....not that anyone could tell lol. I dont REALLY hate anyone. but I was very mad and hurt and I wanted to scream all of those things at him but I knew it would only compound the issue which is that he is back sliding and has stopped doing anything. no blogging no book work no nothing. and he is slipping into this pit again. and the more he slips the more he drags me with him. so I am making it my goal to not sleep past 9 this week and to be active even if it is just a stroll outside. something...... anyway yesterday and today have been better. things are calmer, no more yelling just talking and i love you's ♥♥♥

enough

i hate you
i wont fight for you anymore
you can walk alone
i wont hold your hand
i wont be your sounding board
i will not care if you fail
i wont let myself follow you on a path of distruction
i hate you
i will not try anymore
i will not let you destroy them because you dont care about anything or anyone
I will not be by your side
you are tired of me
you dont want me
you dont care about me
i tried







you dont care that i struggle too......you dont care that it is hard on me and the kids, its all about you and your pain and your lack of anything. when do we get to matter again.

Not the best of days lately

I find it harder and harder to be happy and not angry, especially the later in the day it gets. The nights are the worst I am so angry, I dont know why. But I am. I just want to melt into the things around me and disappear. The least little thing sets me off....I dont know what it is. I will muddle through it, and just get on with things. meh

Angry

5 days in Behavioral Health, 5 days of begging to come home, 5 days of promises of getting better, 5 days of relentless guilt....for nothing. I really dont know how much more I can take before my marraige becomes what I dread. Two people living in th same home, nothing more, nothing less....just occupying space. He doesnt want to try, he refuses. He has not only given up on himself but me and the kids as well, and that is a terrible blow to feel. I cry far to much. It is amazing that I dont wither up and blow away for the tears I have shed over him, and still I am here. I love him with all of my heart and soul and I get nothing in return. I am told to leave him alone, nothing has changed....5 days of hell....5 days of misery and nothing has changed!!!!! I am angry, this is supposed to be a great time in our lives, watching the kids grow up, doing it together. But I am alone. He left me a year ago and I dont know the person in his place. Had I known then that those times were going to be the last I guess I would have spent more time cherishing them...he talks about how he lost himself....I lost my husband. I took for granted for so long that he loved me....I knew he did. I would give anything to know that again....to know that I matter at all.

Cotton, Depression and Just Daily Crap

We got Cotton our slightly over 1 year old Lab Retriever mix the day after me and Lana's birthday, he was a return dog, because the dogs where he was were beating him up. He is sweet dog. We were told he was housebroken.....after a few days I am thinking this may have only been partially true lol. He has accidents, mostly overnight. But over all he has been the little hyper addition that our family needed. Which is probably the only happy part of this post.....sigh. I am sick. I have sinus infection or something. I have been up off and on the last several nights with cramps in my lower legs and feet and this morning woke up blowing mostly blood from my nose....the joys of winter and being sick. That being said, you would think that Josh would take some initiative to try to take care of me....NO. I still have to get up for the kids, no matter how many times I am up at night, and trust me....he is not up as much as he says. The man sleeps. He did let the dog out this morning and clean up the mess he made....well half way anyway, I finished it when i got up, but then came back to bed and when I asked him to get up with Lana because I am lets face it fucking exhausted...."I dont want to" was my answer. I dont know what to do other than do it myself anymore. If I argue with him it turns into just that an all day arguement and I dont want that. And to be honest I normally dont mind him sleeping in.....its when I need to be the one that sleeps in that it upsets me. When I need him, he doesnt care, not that he cares any other time either really.....Hell I had surgery and yeah I bounced pretty well, but there were a couple days I needed him to get up, to help and I was flat told NO. I have cried so much I cant anymore. I just really dont know what to do......Right now I have to shower and take the girl to school, then the big bear to the Dr. for tests to figure out why he is so tired all the time suddenly.....like sleeping 12 hours tired. I am sure this post will continue later. Till then. ♥♥♥♥

Cotton

So we got a dog today. my family is complete. even josh is happy. His name is Cotton and he is a 1 year old lab retriever mix. He is very much still a puppy in his behavior but sweet as sugar and smart. He has already made his place in our family. even Tristan is tollerating him lol. That is pretty much my day today. it has been long but good, very good. ♥♥♥♥

And the day goes on....

Well the day has gotten better, really. We all went out to eat and had an enjoyable dinner and even dessert of ooey gooey caramel pie for the birthday peoples. Josh has told me that I can have a dog. Now dont get me wrong I WANT a dog. Yes, we have a dog. But he is not mine or even our dog. he is the kids dog and only loves them, or lets them play with him and or pet him. which i miss a great deal. I like a dog that will let me love oh him or her. I miss a big dog in my house for me to pat and love and ok yes, I miss my Bubba dog. I know in my heart a dog is probably a bad idea, with all the changes that will be going on in the house in the coming months and what not, or atleast those I want to happen. But I honest and true want a dog. I dont know if it is that part of me that just wants someone there when im alone(besides the cat, who owns me and not the other way around). Part of me thinks that I am missing Josh being "here" and I want to replace him with a dog. Which mind you is a very appealing thought at times....When it comes down to it I am just not sure why I want a dog so badly, or even the dog that I have begun looking at daily on the Humane Society site.....it is his eyes, something in his eyes that calls to me more than any of the others I have seen even....sigh. I know I want him, I know he needs someone, and I need someone...but I dont know if I am his someone. Perhaps I will know after a nights sleep and some consulting. ♥♥♥♥