Cotton, Depression and Just Daily Crap

We got Cotton our slightly over 1 year old Lab Retriever mix the day after me and Lana's birthday, he was a return dog, because the dogs where he was were beating him up. He is sweet dog. We were told he was housebroken.....after a few days I am thinking this may have only been partially true lol. He has accidents, mostly overnight. But over all he has been the little hyper addition that our family needed. Which is probably the only happy part of this post.....sigh. I am sick. I have sinus infection or something. I have been up off and on the last several nights with cramps in my lower legs and feet and this morning woke up blowing mostly blood from my nose....the joys of winter and being sick. That being said, you would think that Josh would take some initiative to try to take care of me....NO. I still have to get up for the kids, no matter how many times I am up at night, and trust me....he is not up as much as he says. The man sleeps. He did let the dog out this morning and clean up the mess he made....well half way anyway, I finished it when i got up, but then came back to bed and when I asked him to get up with Lana because I am lets face it fucking exhausted...."I dont want to" was my answer. I dont know what to do other than do it myself anymore. If I argue with him it turns into just that an all day arguement and I dont want that. And to be honest I normally dont mind him sleeping in.....its when I need to be the one that sleeps in that it upsets me. When I need him, he doesnt care, not that he cares any other time either really.....Hell I had surgery and yeah I bounced pretty well, but there were a couple days I needed him to get up, to help and I was flat told NO. I have cried so much I cant anymore. I just really dont know what to do......Right now I have to shower and take the girl to school, then the big bear to the Dr. for tests to figure out why he is so tired all the time suddenly.....like sleeping 12 hours tired. I am sure this post will continue later. Till then. ♥♥♥♥

Cotton

So we got a dog today. my family is complete. even josh is happy. His name is Cotton and he is a 1 year old lab retriever mix. He is very much still a puppy in his behavior but sweet as sugar and smart. He has already made his place in our family. even Tristan is tollerating him lol. That is pretty much my day today. it has been long but good, very good. ♥♥♥♥

And the day goes on....

Well the day has gotten better, really. We all went out to eat and had an enjoyable dinner and even dessert of ooey gooey caramel pie for the birthday peoples. Josh has told me that I can have a dog. Now dont get me wrong I WANT a dog. Yes, we have a dog. But he is not mine or even our dog. he is the kids dog and only loves them, or lets them play with him and or pet him. which i miss a great deal. I like a dog that will let me love oh him or her. I miss a big dog in my house for me to pat and love and ok yes, I miss my Bubba dog. I know in my heart a dog is probably a bad idea, with all the changes that will be going on in the house in the coming months and what not, or atleast those I want to happen. But I honest and true want a dog. I dont know if it is that part of me that just wants someone there when im alone(besides the cat, who owns me and not the other way around). Part of me thinks that I am missing Josh being "here" and I want to replace him with a dog. Which mind you is a very appealing thought at times....When it comes down to it I am just not sure why I want a dog so badly, or even the dog that I have begun looking at daily on the Humane Society site.....it is his eyes, something in his eyes that calls to me more than any of the others I have seen even....sigh. I know I want him, I know he needs someone, and I need someone...but I dont know if I am his someone. Perhaps I will know after a nights sleep and some consulting. ♥♥♥♥

Happy Birthday ....... Me

So it's my birthday. 34th actually. Its also my daughter's birthday, her 5th. I actually like sharing my birthday with her, she makes sure I get cake and tells everyone that it is her birthday and mine too. I know that will stop eventually but I am enjoying it for now LOL. So far the day has been pretty good. I recieved a card from my aunt, a card and super cool purse from my mom and step dad and an uber cool cocao maker from my Becky. Took Brandon to the Dr. they are testing his to see if her is a "carrier" for strep.....sigh. and then we went and got a cake and candles and had lunch. When Lana got home she loved the cake! we put a crown on it to princess it up a bit hehe. So yeah it hasnt been a terrible day. It could have been a bit better though. Had my sometimes better half remembered to do more than say Happy Birthday. Now mind you this has been a super hard year and we are supposed to go eat this evening(not totally his idea, but ill give it to him so i dont kills him :o) but it would have been so nice to just once, wake up to a card, a breakfast, a something. It is not that he doesnt love me. I know this, but it is nice to be remembered by your spouse on your birthday or so I hear, you know atleast pretend your glad i was born. :). It is also not like he can forget the day...I mean there are two of us sharing it lol. Im not angry really. But I am hurt, for stupid petty reasons i know. But still hurt. It would just be nice for him to plan or do something on his own actually make an effort. That said i suppose I will head back to the world and enjoy Lana and her princess crown dancing around the living room while my little "carrier" watches. Because it is indeed a Happy Birthday...to me. ♥♥♥♥

What it's all about

Not really sure anyone will ever read these other than me, but just incase I should explain. This is going to be a place for me to vent and ramble and get things out in order to keep some of the sanity that I have left, for the most part. I am soon to be 34, and turning over what seems to be the preverbial huge fucking new leaf in my life. I have spent the better part of the last decade living under a dark cloud of depression that was suddenly lifted a few months ago. Suddenly the world makes sense, mostly, and I WANT to do things like keep my house clean and cook with my kids. It is amazing the difference really. I have also taken on a new role, Caregiver. Now that doesnt sound any different than wife or mother to most. But in our case it is. My husband suffered,a mental melt down of sorts back in February of last year and long story short(though I am sure the long story will come out eventually) he went from confident man with a job that he loved, to heavily medicated and depressed longing for what he had. He was approved for disability in the summer and looking back it is still a blur how we survived and I know that we would not have had it not been for family and friends and most of all friends who are family. It seemed right as our world would teeter on darkness, or the gas vapors could barely take us another mile, someone would offer a hand. I will never be able to thank all of those that helped us this last year, I can only try to do as they did and help were I see it is needed when I can. Ok off topic. I do that a lot too, but that is why these are ramblings...during the past year I have had to step up and make sure things were done, even when I did not want to do them. Because my rock, my shoulder and person who kept it all together, couldnt hold it together anymore. Hell there were days he could barely hold his head up let alone anything together. And please dont think me hateful, we have come a long way from not wanting to leave the house, to he works a bit to keep busy and give him something to do. The depression though.....what a nasty critter it is. It has such a hold on him and its not letting go. He has talked to the Dr.'s and the Therapists and so far we are still in the down spiral, though I have faith in him that we will get to the upward journey, it is the waiting and the time in between that has made me think that I might need a place to get out some things. His therapist has told given him the tas of blogging daily and when he does he seems to do better, whether it is just a short post with nothing much to say or a long indepth something, Like this, it seems to work for him. So I thought why not. I will give it a try. And perhaps it will help me from "losing it" so much LOL. I have hopes to instead of going on about things that are not worth arguing about, but if I mention them to him will turn into arguements, putting them here. Save the tears, put the anger into words here, and atleast it is out and not sitting on me anymore. Since we all know holding it in makes for nasty indigestion. Anyway, now you know what this is all about and perhaps it will help. if nothing else it will give me something to do and my typing with improve....maybe.♥♥♥♥