explode

I havent been this anxious, or just willy nilly in a long long time.  Seems all I want to do is sit and cry....no specific reason, actually a bunch of them just tossed in a hat and whatever tumbles out well then that might or might not be the reason I get upset.
Currently my chest feels like it is about to cave in and at times I feel like I have to remind myself to breath.
The air is out. Has been for 4 days now. In the south that is like 4 weeks.  The Fibro flare that I am smack in the middle of threatens to bring me to my knees. I really do try not to complain and usually I do a great job of it. But right now, I just want to cry.
I cant sleep, not because of the heat but because of my stupid body......for someone who loves themself there are days I really hate me.
And then their are the dreams......dreams of everyone around me leaving of losing everything and everyone. My best friend is having the best time ever and I am so happy for her I really am but when I try to talk to her all I want to do is cry because last two nights the dreams are about her. Cant tell her this......I WANT her to have fun, I WANT her to be happy.  Im pretty sure she knows this but again I cant tell her because if I go down that path I will cry and then she will want to know why and its much better here, I can just type it out and cry and blow my nose and cry and not have to worry about hurting anyone. 
pretty sure no one reads this crap. Its just for me really, thus the title. and right now i feel like if i dont get it out i might just explode. and explosion of tears.....how stupid would that be. but thats me......

bottomless pit.....black and cold and useless.....

havent felt this way in a long long time...maybe tomorrow will be better