I suvived.....

First week has been up and down. Physically I am healing, "on the mend" so to speak. Emotionally I have taken a downward turn. I am gray again. I dont want to leave the house, but I did sit in the yard for a bit today. I hope this will pass. I dont know if it is the actual surgery setting in or what..at this moment I dont "feel" anything. no pain, which is good i know....but also no anger, happiness, not even hunger.....just nothing. I want to sleep. I think I may do that. Josh's dad had surgery the day after mine and it is like pulling teeth to get information on him. They do not call to keep him informed at all. He has to call and when they return the call or answer then we here something. The whole thing makes me sad....maybe I do feel something. Sad. yes. Sad. but I survived............

My World

My world has been flipped upside down and I don't even know how to tell those around me. I can hardly tell Josh how I feel. I mean I can say "hey keep me in your prayers ok" but to tell the truth I am terrified. Some history....Back in January I had a procedure that was supposed to stop bleeding and if successful end my monthly cycle...flash forward to July and I am fairly sure that we were not successful. By the end of August I had to call the Dr. and go back in. I thought I was prepared for the words that she was going to say. I knew them. I KNEW what was coming. But the words hit me like a knife through my heart. A hysterectomy...Now mind you, I KNOW I had a tubal, I KNOW given my medical history it is the best and only choice, but damn. I feel broken, and I am not even on the table yet. Thankfully my mom is coming and Josh is better now than in January(at times) but this is taking a huge toll on him. Between this and his dad and everything its just so much for him to slide into place. He is overwhelmed, I can understand that. Hell when he tells me....I want to scream at him and tell him if he thinks he is overwhelmed to have a walk in my shoes this week. A week, that is how long I have to prepare for this. The first few days were spent hoping that the medicine they put me on would stop the flooding and perhaps give me a better change of not needing another transfusion come game day. This took nearly 3 days.....I think my body and I have finally come to an understanding and it is playing nice again, for the time being. I thought that last time was akward with the having to buy depends and super huge bedding pads and what not.....last time, I looked sick. I caught it early this time. Blood count was not great but I had not turned deathly white either so I count that as a plus. I do not LOOK sick, I look tired, which I am. I am tired of pain and sleeplessness and none stop bleeding that makes me have to resort to leaving my home in an adult diaper with hopes that no one will notice. I cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously my hat fell down, I sobbed for an hour.....ok maybe not but still. My world went from "hey things are looking up" to "BAM get your ass back down there, kicked in the face and thrown back down an emotional barrel that I now haqve to climb out of again. I find myself not wanting to talk to those around me, so I call them and make myself talk. because I know if I dont well, I remember a year ago all to well......hell I remember the last 12 years and I wish I didnt. Not that I want to forget Josh or the kids or the people I have met. I wish I could forget how low I had gotten. How dark my world was...I am terrified of Tuesday. So many what ifs, so many should have dones...If I havent told you lately, or enough. I love you. ♥♥

im sorry

i used to make you smile
now i make you sad
im sorry
i used to make you laugh
now i make you angry
im sorry
i wish i knew how to go back to that
im to late
i didnt come back in time
and all i can say is im sorry

Ok so the last post was really emotional and full of anger.....not that anyone could tell lol. I dont REALLY hate anyone. but I was very mad and hurt and I wanted to scream all of those things at him but I knew it would only compound the issue which is that he is back sliding and has stopped doing anything. no blogging no book work no nothing. and he is slipping into this pit again. and the more he slips the more he drags me with him. so I am making it my goal to not sleep past 9 this week and to be active even if it is just a stroll outside. something...... anyway yesterday and today have been better. things are calmer, no more yelling just talking and i love you's ♥♥♥

enough

i hate you
i wont fight for you anymore
you can walk alone
i wont hold your hand
i wont be your sounding board
i will not care if you fail
i wont let myself follow you on a path of distruction
i hate you
i will not try anymore
i will not let you destroy them because you dont care about anything or anyone
I will not be by your side
you are tired of me
you dont want me
you dont care about me
i tried







you dont care that i struggle too......you dont care that it is hard on me and the kids, its all about you and your pain and your lack of anything. when do we get to matter again.

Not the best of days lately

I find it harder and harder to be happy and not angry, especially the later in the day it gets. The nights are the worst I am so angry, I dont know why. But I am. I just want to melt into the things around me and disappear. The least little thing sets me off....I dont know what it is. I will muddle through it, and just get on with things. meh

Angry

5 days in Behavioral Health, 5 days of begging to come home, 5 days of promises of getting better, 5 days of relentless guilt....for nothing. I really dont know how much more I can take before my marraige becomes what I dread. Two people living in th same home, nothing more, nothing less....just occupying space. He doesnt want to try, he refuses. He has not only given up on himself but me and the kids as well, and that is a terrible blow to feel. I cry far to much. It is amazing that I dont wither up and blow away for the tears I have shed over him, and still I am here. I love him with all of my heart and soul and I get nothing in return. I am told to leave him alone, nothing has changed....5 days of hell....5 days of misery and nothing has changed!!!!! I am angry, this is supposed to be a great time in our lives, watching the kids grow up, doing it together. But I am alone. He left me a year ago and I dont know the person in his place. Had I known then that those times were going to be the last I guess I would have spent more time cherishing them...he talks about how he lost himself....I lost my husband. I took for granted for so long that he loved me....I knew he did. I would give anything to know that again....to know that I matter at all.

Cotton, Depression and Just Daily Crap

We got Cotton our slightly over 1 year old Lab Retriever mix the day after me and Lana's birthday, he was a return dog, because the dogs where he was were beating him up. He is sweet dog. We were told he was housebroken.....after a few days I am thinking this may have only been partially true lol. He has accidents, mostly overnight. But over all he has been the little hyper addition that our family needed. Which is probably the only happy part of this post.....sigh. I am sick. I have sinus infection or something. I have been up off and on the last several nights with cramps in my lower legs and feet and this morning woke up blowing mostly blood from my nose....the joys of winter and being sick. That being said, you would think that Josh would take some initiative to try to take care of me....NO. I still have to get up for the kids, no matter how many times I am up at night, and trust me....he is not up as much as he says. The man sleeps. He did let the dog out this morning and clean up the mess he made....well half way anyway, I finished it when i got up, but then came back to bed and when I asked him to get up with Lana because I am lets face it fucking exhausted...."I dont want to" was my answer. I dont know what to do other than do it myself anymore. If I argue with him it turns into just that an all day arguement and I dont want that. And to be honest I normally dont mind him sleeping in.....its when I need to be the one that sleeps in that it upsets me. When I need him, he doesnt care, not that he cares any other time either really.....Hell I had surgery and yeah I bounced pretty well, but there were a couple days I needed him to get up, to help and I was flat told NO. I have cried so much I cant anymore. I just really dont know what to do......Right now I have to shower and take the girl to school, then the big bear to the Dr. for tests to figure out why he is so tired all the time suddenly.....like sleeping 12 hours tired. I am sure this post will continue later. Till then. ♥♥♥♥

Cotton

So we got a dog today. my family is complete. even josh is happy. His name is Cotton and he is a 1 year old lab retriever mix. He is very much still a puppy in his behavior but sweet as sugar and smart. He has already made his place in our family. even Tristan is tollerating him lol. That is pretty much my day today. it has been long but good, very good. ♥♥♥♥

And the day goes on....

Well the day has gotten better, really. We all went out to eat and had an enjoyable dinner and even dessert of ooey gooey caramel pie for the birthday peoples. Josh has told me that I can have a dog. Now dont get me wrong I WANT a dog. Yes, we have a dog. But he is not mine or even our dog. he is the kids dog and only loves them, or lets them play with him and or pet him. which i miss a great deal. I like a dog that will let me love oh him or her. I miss a big dog in my house for me to pat and love and ok yes, I miss my Bubba dog. I know in my heart a dog is probably a bad idea, with all the changes that will be going on in the house in the coming months and what not, or atleast those I want to happen. But I honest and true want a dog. I dont know if it is that part of me that just wants someone there when im alone(besides the cat, who owns me and not the other way around). Part of me thinks that I am missing Josh being "here" and I want to replace him with a dog. Which mind you is a very appealing thought at times....When it comes down to it I am just not sure why I want a dog so badly, or even the dog that I have begun looking at daily on the Humane Society site.....it is his eyes, something in his eyes that calls to me more than any of the others I have seen even....sigh. I know I want him, I know he needs someone, and I need someone...but I dont know if I am his someone. Perhaps I will know after a nights sleep and some consulting. ♥♥♥♥

Happy Birthday ....... Me

So it's my birthday. 34th actually. Its also my daughter's birthday, her 5th. I actually like sharing my birthday with her, she makes sure I get cake and tells everyone that it is her birthday and mine too. I know that will stop eventually but I am enjoying it for now LOL. So far the day has been pretty good. I recieved a card from my aunt, a card and super cool purse from my mom and step dad and an uber cool cocao maker from my Becky. Took Brandon to the Dr. they are testing his to see if her is a "carrier" for strep.....sigh. and then we went and got a cake and candles and had lunch. When Lana got home she loved the cake! we put a crown on it to princess it up a bit hehe. So yeah it hasnt been a terrible day. It could have been a bit better though. Had my sometimes better half remembered to do more than say Happy Birthday. Now mind you this has been a super hard year and we are supposed to go eat this evening(not totally his idea, but ill give it to him so i dont kills him :o) but it would have been so nice to just once, wake up to a card, a breakfast, a something. It is not that he doesnt love me. I know this, but it is nice to be remembered by your spouse on your birthday or so I hear, you know atleast pretend your glad i was born. :). It is also not like he can forget the day...I mean there are two of us sharing it lol. Im not angry really. But I am hurt, for stupid petty reasons i know. But still hurt. It would just be nice for him to plan or do something on his own actually make an effort. That said i suppose I will head back to the world and enjoy Lana and her princess crown dancing around the living room while my little "carrier" watches. Because it is indeed a Happy Birthday...to me. ♥♥♥♥

What it's all about

Not really sure anyone will ever read these other than me, but just incase I should explain. This is going to be a place for me to vent and ramble and get things out in order to keep some of the sanity that I have left, for the most part. I am soon to be 34, and turning over what seems to be the preverbial huge fucking new leaf in my life. I have spent the better part of the last decade living under a dark cloud of depression that was suddenly lifted a few months ago. Suddenly the world makes sense, mostly, and I WANT to do things like keep my house clean and cook with my kids. It is amazing the difference really. I have also taken on a new role, Caregiver. Now that doesnt sound any different than wife or mother to most. But in our case it is. My husband suffered,a mental melt down of sorts back in February of last year and long story short(though I am sure the long story will come out eventually) he went from confident man with a job that he loved, to heavily medicated and depressed longing for what he had. He was approved for disability in the summer and looking back it is still a blur how we survived and I know that we would not have had it not been for family and friends and most of all friends who are family. It seemed right as our world would teeter on darkness, or the gas vapors could barely take us another mile, someone would offer a hand. I will never be able to thank all of those that helped us this last year, I can only try to do as they did and help were I see it is needed when I can. Ok off topic. I do that a lot too, but that is why these are ramblings...during the past year I have had to step up and make sure things were done, even when I did not want to do them. Because my rock, my shoulder and person who kept it all together, couldnt hold it together anymore. Hell there were days he could barely hold his head up let alone anything together. And please dont think me hateful, we have come a long way from not wanting to leave the house, to he works a bit to keep busy and give him something to do. The depression though.....what a nasty critter it is. It has such a hold on him and its not letting go. He has talked to the Dr.'s and the Therapists and so far we are still in the down spiral, though I have faith in him that we will get to the upward journey, it is the waiting and the time in between that has made me think that I might need a place to get out some things. His therapist has told given him the tas of blogging daily and when he does he seems to do better, whether it is just a short post with nothing much to say or a long indepth something, Like this, it seems to work for him. So I thought why not. I will give it a try. And perhaps it will help me from "losing it" so much LOL. I have hopes to instead of going on about things that are not worth arguing about, but if I mention them to him will turn into arguements, putting them here. Save the tears, put the anger into words here, and atleast it is out and not sitting on me anymore. Since we all know holding it in makes for nasty indigestion. Anyway, now you know what this is all about and perhaps it will help. if nothing else it will give me something to do and my typing with improve....maybe.♥♥♥♥