My World

My world has been flipped upside down and I don't even know how to tell those around me. I can hardly tell Josh how I feel. I mean I can say "hey keep me in your prayers ok" but to tell the truth I am terrified. Some history....Back in January I had a procedure that was supposed to stop bleeding and if successful end my monthly cycle...flash forward to July and I am fairly sure that we were not successful. By the end of August I had to call the Dr. and go back in. I thought I was prepared for the words that she was going to say. I knew them. I KNEW what was coming. But the words hit me like a knife through my heart. A hysterectomy...Now mind you, I KNOW I had a tubal, I KNOW given my medical history it is the best and only choice, but damn. I feel broken, and I am not even on the table yet. Thankfully my mom is coming and Josh is better now than in January(at times) but this is taking a huge toll on him. Between this and his dad and everything its just so much for him to slide into place. He is overwhelmed, I can understand that. Hell when he tells me....I want to scream at him and tell him if he thinks he is overwhelmed to have a walk in my shoes this week. A week, that is how long I have to prepare for this. The first few days were spent hoping that the medicine they put me on would stop the flooding and perhaps give me a better change of not needing another transfusion come game day. This took nearly 3 days.....I think my body and I have finally come to an understanding and it is playing nice again, for the time being. I thought that last time was akward with the having to buy depends and super huge bedding pads and what not.....last time, I looked sick. I caught it early this time. Blood count was not great but I had not turned deathly white either so I count that as a plus. I do not LOOK sick, I look tired, which I am. I am tired of pain and sleeplessness and none stop bleeding that makes me have to resort to leaving my home in an adult diaper with hopes that no one will notice. I cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously my hat fell down, I sobbed for an hour.....ok maybe not but still. My world went from "hey things are looking up" to "BAM get your ass back down there, kicked in the face and thrown back down an emotional barrel that I now haqve to climb out of again. I find myself not wanting to talk to those around me, so I call them and make myself talk. because I know if I dont well, I remember a year ago all to well......hell I remember the last 12 years and I wish I didnt. Not that I want to forget Josh or the kids or the people I have met. I wish I could forget how low I had gotten. How dark my world was...I am terrified of Tuesday. So many what ifs, so many should have dones...If I havent told you lately, or enough. I love you. ♥♥